Moving Forward

Cordt was home last week and got to enjoy swimming with Klaira. It was so cute to watch her splash in his arms, my heart swells when I see those two together.

Splish Splash it's Like a Bath

The week, like every week he's home, went by way to fast. And before either of us was ready we had to drive Cordt back to work.

Cheeky Baby

It's a good thing Klaira is getting used to the long car rides. It's been hard listening to her cry when we have to go places. She's just growing up so fast.

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I have recently signed up for a Mother's meet up group and I was pleasantly surprised. I decided to host my own play date as a way to socialize Klair Bear a little more and was amazed and excited at the response I received. I made cupcakes, fruit platter, veggie platter and had all sorts of drinks. 

I was so excited, I made sure everything was perfect. I shouldn't have wasted the effort. Out of the 10 people who RSVP'd only one had the decency to actually make an appearance. I am sad that no one was polite enough to cancel. It's depressing to go through all that effort and not have any pay off. 

Klaira has been really sick this week. She had the flu in the beginning and now some sort of cough/throat thing. I feel helpless and tired. She hasn't slept in 4 days, well not more than 1 hour at a time anyway. She's super fussy and cries anytime I put her down. She only sleeps in my arms and I can't wait for her to feel better.

My Cranky Girl

Well just a quick post today, it is really difficult to type with a baby in my arms. Hopefully I can write something quick in a couple days, maybe about Valentine's Day, who knows.

Frustrated

I don't know how to vent my frustration anymore. Everything has changed and as time passes I feel like Cordt and I are changing as well. 
Less than 48 hours after Klaira was born, Cordt got a call to start a new high paying job. It was bitter sweet for me, all of a sudden our family plan became a mommy plan. I have started to grow into my role, I have matured quickly and the person I always thought I was has changed. I am no longer impulsive, I am much more patient, and I worry about the future. 
Cordt Has also changed. With a new job and more money than he has ever had before, he now spends. He still doesn't think about Klaira's future or how we are going to pay for soccer, dance, or college. He is still hung up on his pre-family life. He still brings up 'selling his RX-7 for me'. He didn't sell it for me, he sold it because a 2 door/2seat vehicle was impractical since there was about to be 3 of us. 
Klaira is now 4 months old (as of today), we just finished a rough financial time because Cordt was off over 5 weeks during christmas. We are in dept, we have credit cards that need to be paid off, old phone contracts, a traffic ticket, and of course rent and bills. Non Of these things seem to even phase Cordt, the man who was always so against loans and dept. 
This week has been the last straw. He brought up taking out a loan at the bank to buy a car. We already have a car. 
His argument:
1. I like cars
2. The car we have isn't fun to drive
3. I sold my RX-7 for you
Are you kidding me? There are so many other important purchases we should be making, and all of them should wait until we are out of dept and financially stable (i.e. 3 months of income in a savings account). I brought this up and was met with resistance and anger. I am at the end of my rope. I gave up everything to stay home with Klaira, to give her the best childhood possible. I gave up going back to university, I gave up my social life, and now I'm afraid I'm going to have to give up more. 


I am so angry and resentful that after I have given up so much, and Cordt who hasn't truly given up anything but a car and a few dollars for formula can throw a car in my face. He keeps saying he deserves something he wants, but in my eyes having a child means you make sacrifices and put that child ahead of your wants. I am not saying to be selfless, no one is truly selfless, but a certain amount of understanding would go a long way. 
I don't know how much we have changed as individuals, but I know that as a couple we are moving in opposite directions. I still love him but that's not enough, our communication is broken. He is gone so often that there is a disconnect in our relationship and family. Instead of looking forward to him coming home I look forward to him going back to work. And I sometimes feel he is as well.
I don't know how to fix it, or if it is even fixable. Klaira is my everything and I don't feel like Cordt has the same devotion. On our own Klaira and I would struggle to get by until I finished my schooling, and she would spend much time in daycare. With Cordt we have a more secure life, there is a steady income. I just can't keep pretending things haven't changed, I don't want to feel angry anymore. Most of all I want Cordt to understand where I'm coming from instead of throwing his perceived selfless acts in my face as a way to get what he wants.

Back To Normal

We have gotten back into a good, normal routine. Klaira is back to sleeping through the night, and her naps are back on schedule. 
We have successfully moved into our new apartment. I'm thrilled to be in a bigger place, but the good also comes with the bad. On our move in day our car was stolen. It was a great 'Welcoming', I am mortified that our new place is so scary after dark. It makes me feel like a bad parent to have moved my daughter into an unsafe area. We can't move again, because we signed a yearly lease, and the apartment is amazing. 
On a better note, Klaira and I have started going to Tot-time swimming. Klaira loves it, and I love watching my baby smile, squeal and splash in the water. It is the best part of my week.

 I have also joined a mother's group, they have get togethers, and different events for little ones. I'm excited to go to my first meet up in a couple weeks. My goal is to meet new people and make some friends who have things in common with me. I want to set up a support system of friends in Edmonton, because I don't have family close by and with Cordt being away most of the time I am really feeling overwhelmed and alone.


I don't really have much time left to keep writing, Klaira is due to get up from her nap in 15 minutes and I want to get her carrots and bottle ready. I am going to try to start writing once a week, unless of course something amazing comes up and then I will probably be filling in the blanks early. 

Alone Again

Sitting on my couch, watching a movie while Klaira sleeps. Cordt has gone back to work after 5 weeks off and I miss him more than words can say. Klaira misses him as well, but we are keeping busy by finishing to pack the house and learning new things. 

Klaira stopped sleeping through night last week and it was rough on everyone, especially since she has always slept 8 hours (11-7). After 6 days of getting up every 2-3 hours I was at the end of my rope and asked anyone who would listen what it could be. We discovered many possibilities and tried different things. It ends up she was really hungry. I started pablum 2 days ago and Baby is now doing great and sleeping through the night again. 

Klaira is making leaps and bounds in development. She can almost get up on her knees and she is very good at eating from a spoon now (I'm having trouble posting videos, but I'll keep trying). 

I to have been learning new things, trying to find a hobby that is suitable for life with a small infant. I decided to teach myself how to crochet and I have been very successful thus far. 

Tomorrow night Klair Bear and I are going to pick up my father from the airport and I hope our visit goes well. With the stress of moving I hope Klaira and her grandfather get time to bond, it would be a shame if he came all the way to Alberta and didn't get to really enjoy her.

Well my baby really needs a nap and a bottle. TTFN 

Holiday Aftermath

I am the first one to admit that during the holiday season I get a little carried away sampling and enjoying all the great food. This year I did my own personal weight watchers program, I watched my weight rise all month lol. Now that the holidays are over and life is back to normal I have the challenge of cleaning up and getting back into shape. 

So as a NY resolution I bought myself a gym membership and personal trainer. I'm pretty excited to start on Feb 1. Maybe they can work miracles and get me back to pre baby body.

As for Klaira, I have ruined her :( with all the packing, moving and travelling going on her routine is gone. pre-Chrstmas she slept 11-7 and had scheduled naps and a bath in the evening. Post-Christmas she sleeps 1-430, only sleeping when she feelings like it. I am so tired zombies are more lively. 

Klaira can now roll across the room! I'm very proud of her. 

My father is flying in from Ontario on the 16th to help us move and meet his first grandbaby for the first time. It warms my heart to know that he is as excited to meet her as I am to see them meet. Not a long post today because baby is a Cranky McCranker Pants today.

Growing Into My Role

An excerpt from my journal 2 months ago:

It's just before one in the afternoon, baby has been super fussy all morning and didn't sleep well last night. I have hit my limit, I can't carry her around another minute (she has been in my arms for over 9 hours). I am feeling like the worst mom ever, I put baby in her swing and am letting her cry for a bit. I just don't know what else to do: she's fed, changed, burped, doesn't have gas, isn't constipated, isn't cold.

I know being a mom isn't supposed to be easy but I just have to have a break, even if it's only 15 minutes...but I don't get one because I'm alone. Cordt, my fiance, got a call 2 days after Klaira was born, to go up north to work. He has only been home 5 days since her birth. I am feeling like a single parent and I never thought I would have to do it on my own, and if I would have known this was going to happen I think I would have thought a little harder about becoming a mom. I'm stressed, I'm alone, and I can't stop crying, let alone get Klaira to stop.

I miss Cordt, and the team we can be, miss sleep, but most of all I miss having someone to talk to. I'm jealous of his freedom because it wasn't part of the plan, and I'm resentful of the fact that he doesn't have any responsibility at home. I don't know what he does when he isn't working, I don't even get to talk to him while he's away (no cell service or internet). Worst of all, I don't know if he even likes coming home and being a dad, he hasn't been home enough to know what being a dad is like.

The couple days that he has been home, he spent them online or complaining that we couldn't have sex. I feel like everything I wanted and thought I'd have is falling apart.

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I was struggling with my role as a new parent with very little support. I felt like I was failing at the easiest job ever. Looking back I realize that parenting is not an easy job at all, that I only had a mother who made it look easy. Klair Bear has learned to tolerate me and for that I'm glad. It's been 3 months and I still do more things wrong in a day than right. She is training me a little more everyday. 

Over Christmas she has passed 2 milestones- Laughing and Rolling.

New Christmas Experience

As Klaira's first Christmas we were very excited to share it with our family's. My side of the family is quite small but generous in love and gifts. Klaira got many great gifts and I am excited to watch her grow into them. Cordt's side of the family is much bigger than mine but just as loving and generous.

Klaira enjoyed all of the attention she received and was very well behaved for being so young.  

Cordt and I spoiled our Klair Bear this christmas with clothes, movies, toys and this beautiful play mat. I was all pink and the sides are adjustable so I can box her in to keep her from eating anything that could possibly be found on the floors of our apartment (which we are thankfully moving out of after New Years).

Introduction

The holiday season is almost over and with the New Year almost here. With a new baby and a new year, this is the perfect time for me to experiment with sharing my motherhood experiences. I have always journaled and I enjoy it, I don't blog for anyone but myself. I have decided to share my experiences and thoughts as a way to show that juggling life, motherhood, relationships and personal growth is not always easy, but can always help put a smile on someone else's face.

As the inspiration and object of my blog readers should know a little about my daughter. 

Klaira Renee was born on September 27 2011. She was more than a little over cooked at 3 weeks overdue. She looks exactly like her father and is just as stubborn. Klaira is bottle fed and I loving refer to her as Klair Bear. 

This is our journey of learning how raise each other and be a normal, dysfunctional, crazy, loving family