An excerpt from my journal 2 months ago:
It's just before one in the afternoon, baby has been super fussy all morning and didn't sleep well last night. I have hit my limit, I can't carry her around another minute (she has been in my arms for over 9 hours). I am feeling like the worst mom ever, I put baby in her swing and am letting her cry for a bit. I just don't know what else to do: she's fed, changed, burped, doesn't have gas, isn't constipated, isn't cold.
I know being a mom isn't supposed to be easy but I just have to have a break, even if it's only 15 minutes...but I don't get one because I'm alone. Cordt, my fiance, got a call 2 days after Klaira was born, to go up north to work. He has only been home 5 days since her birth. I am feeling like a single parent and I never thought I would have to do it on my own, and if I would have known this was going to happen I think I would have thought a little harder about becoming a mom. I'm stressed, I'm alone, and I can't stop crying, let alone get Klaira to stop.
I miss Cordt, and the team we can be, miss sleep, but most of all I miss having someone to talk to. I'm jealous of his freedom because it wasn't part of the plan, and I'm resentful of the fact that he doesn't have any responsibility at home. I don't know what he does when he isn't working, I don't even get to talk to him while he's away (no cell service or internet). Worst of all, I don't know if he even likes coming home and being a dad, he hasn't been home enough to know what being a dad is like.
The couple days that he has been home, he spent them online or complaining that we couldn't have sex. I feel like everything I wanted and thought I'd have is falling apart.
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I was struggling with my role as a new parent with very little support. I felt like I was failing at the easiest job ever. Looking back I realize that parenting is not an easy job at all, that I only had a mother who made it look easy. Klair Bear has learned to tolerate me and for that I'm glad. It's been 3 months and I still do more things wrong in a day than right. She is training me a little more everyday.
Over Christmas she has passed 2 milestones- Laughing and Rolling.
New Christmas Experience
As Klaira's first Christmas we were very excited to share it with our family's. My side of the family is quite small but generous in love and gifts. Klaira got many great gifts and I am excited to watch her grow into them. Cordt's side of the family is much bigger than mine but just as loving and generous.
Klaira enjoyed all of the attention she received and was very well behaved for being so young.
Cordt and I spoiled our Klair Bear this christmas with clothes, movies, toys and this beautiful play mat. I was all pink and the sides are adjustable so I can box her in to keep her from eating anything that could possibly be found on the floors of our apartment (which we are thankfully moving out of after New Years).
