Frustrated

I don't know how to vent my frustration anymore. Everything has changed and as time passes I feel like Cordt and I are changing as well. 
Less than 48 hours after Klaira was born, Cordt got a call to start a new high paying job. It was bitter sweet for me, all of a sudden our family plan became a mommy plan. I have started to grow into my role, I have matured quickly and the person I always thought I was has changed. I am no longer impulsive, I am much more patient, and I worry about the future. 
Cordt Has also changed. With a new job and more money than he has ever had before, he now spends. He still doesn't think about Klaira's future or how we are going to pay for soccer, dance, or college. He is still hung up on his pre-family life. He still brings up 'selling his RX-7 for me'. He didn't sell it for me, he sold it because a 2 door/2seat vehicle was impractical since there was about to be 3 of us. 
Klaira is now 4 months old (as of today), we just finished a rough financial time because Cordt was off over 5 weeks during christmas. We are in dept, we have credit cards that need to be paid off, old phone contracts, a traffic ticket, and of course rent and bills. Non Of these things seem to even phase Cordt, the man who was always so against loans and dept. 
This week has been the last straw. He brought up taking out a loan at the bank to buy a car. We already have a car. 
His argument:
1. I like cars
2. The car we have isn't fun to drive
3. I sold my RX-7 for you
Are you kidding me? There are so many other important purchases we should be making, and all of them should wait until we are out of dept and financially stable (i.e. 3 months of income in a savings account). I brought this up and was met with resistance and anger. I am at the end of my rope. I gave up everything to stay home with Klaira, to give her the best childhood possible. I gave up going back to university, I gave up my social life, and now I'm afraid I'm going to have to give up more. 


I am so angry and resentful that after I have given up so much, and Cordt who hasn't truly given up anything but a car and a few dollars for formula can throw a car in my face. He keeps saying he deserves something he wants, but in my eyes having a child means you make sacrifices and put that child ahead of your wants. I am not saying to be selfless, no one is truly selfless, but a certain amount of understanding would go a long way. 
I don't know how much we have changed as individuals, but I know that as a couple we are moving in opposite directions. I still love him but that's not enough, our communication is broken. He is gone so often that there is a disconnect in our relationship and family. Instead of looking forward to him coming home I look forward to him going back to work. And I sometimes feel he is as well.
I don't know how to fix it, or if it is even fixable. Klaira is my everything and I don't feel like Cordt has the same devotion. On our own Klaira and I would struggle to get by until I finished my schooling, and she would spend much time in daycare. With Cordt we have a more secure life, there is a steady income. I just can't keep pretending things haven't changed, I don't want to feel angry anymore. Most of all I want Cordt to understand where I'm coming from instead of throwing his perceived selfless acts in my face as a way to get what he wants.

Back To Normal

We have gotten back into a good, normal routine. Klaira is back to sleeping through the night, and her naps are back on schedule. 
We have successfully moved into our new apartment. I'm thrilled to be in a bigger place, but the good also comes with the bad. On our move in day our car was stolen. It was a great 'Welcoming', I am mortified that our new place is so scary after dark. It makes me feel like a bad parent to have moved my daughter into an unsafe area. We can't move again, because we signed a yearly lease, and the apartment is amazing. 
On a better note, Klaira and I have started going to Tot-time swimming. Klaira loves it, and I love watching my baby smile, squeal and splash in the water. It is the best part of my week.

 I have also joined a mother's group, they have get togethers, and different events for little ones. I'm excited to go to my first meet up in a couple weeks. My goal is to meet new people and make some friends who have things in common with me. I want to set up a support system of friends in Edmonton, because I don't have family close by and with Cordt being away most of the time I am really feeling overwhelmed and alone.


I don't really have much time left to keep writing, Klaira is due to get up from her nap in 15 minutes and I want to get her carrots and bottle ready. I am going to try to start writing once a week, unless of course something amazing comes up and then I will probably be filling in the blanks early. 

Alone Again

Sitting on my couch, watching a movie while Klaira sleeps. Cordt has gone back to work after 5 weeks off and I miss him more than words can say. Klaira misses him as well, but we are keeping busy by finishing to pack the house and learning new things. 

Klaira stopped sleeping through night last week and it was rough on everyone, especially since she has always slept 8 hours (11-7). After 6 days of getting up every 2-3 hours I was at the end of my rope and asked anyone who would listen what it could be. We discovered many possibilities and tried different things. It ends up she was really hungry. I started pablum 2 days ago and Baby is now doing great and sleeping through the night again. 

Klaira is making leaps and bounds in development. She can almost get up on her knees and she is very good at eating from a spoon now (I'm having trouble posting videos, but I'll keep trying). 

I to have been learning new things, trying to find a hobby that is suitable for life with a small infant. I decided to teach myself how to crochet and I have been very successful thus far. 

Tomorrow night Klair Bear and I are going to pick up my father from the airport and I hope our visit goes well. With the stress of moving I hope Klaira and her grandfather get time to bond, it would be a shame if he came all the way to Alberta and didn't get to really enjoy her.

Well my baby really needs a nap and a bottle. TTFN 

Holiday Aftermath

I am the first one to admit that during the holiday season I get a little carried away sampling and enjoying all the great food. This year I did my own personal weight watchers program, I watched my weight rise all month lol. Now that the holidays are over and life is back to normal I have the challenge of cleaning up and getting back into shape. 

So as a NY resolution I bought myself a gym membership and personal trainer. I'm pretty excited to start on Feb 1. Maybe they can work miracles and get me back to pre baby body.

As for Klaira, I have ruined her :( with all the packing, moving and travelling going on her routine is gone. pre-Chrstmas she slept 11-7 and had scheduled naps and a bath in the evening. Post-Christmas she sleeps 1-430, only sleeping when she feelings like it. I am so tired zombies are more lively. 

Klaira can now roll across the room! I'm very proud of her. 

My father is flying in from Ontario on the 16th to help us move and meet his first grandbaby for the first time. It warms my heart to know that he is as excited to meet her as I am to see them meet. Not a long post today because baby is a Cranky McCranker Pants today.